Compassion isn't always easy
I’m an enthusiast for compassion, including compassion at work and compassionate leadership.
‘Compassionate Leadership: How to Do Hard Things in a Human Way’
Two of the foremost researchers and writers about compassionate leadership are Rasmus Hougaard, Founder and CEO of Potential Project, and author of ‘Compassionate Leadership: How to Do Hard Things in a Human Way[1]’, and Jacqueline Carter (Managing Partner at Potential Project, and co-author of the same book,).
Wisdom and Compassion
For Hougaard and Carter, wisdom and compassion need to be combined if optimal leadership is to be possible. They describe wisdom as being able to see reality clearly and act appropriately, including finding the courage to enter into difficult situations with other people. And they describe compassion as the intention to be of benefit to others. It’s commonly agreed, including by Hougaard and Carter, and Thupten Jinpa (Founder and Chairman of Compassion Institute, and the principal author of Compassion Cultivation Training™) that the two distinct qualities of compassion are understanding what another person is feeling and the willingness to act to alleviate the suffering of another person. In other words, Empathy + Action = Compassion.
The benefits of compassion and compassionate leadership are clear: boosted employee engagement, satisfaction, and well-being, leading to higher productivity, better retention, and improved financial performance, by fostering trust, collaboration, and psychological safety. The combination of wisdom and compassion, write Hougaard and Carter, correlates positively with how employees rate their job satisfaction, commitment to their organisations, job performance, avoidance of burnout, engagement and satisfaction with their leaders.
When it’s difficult to be compassionate
However, it can be difficult to be compassionate as a leader or as a colleague. It can be particularly challenging when another individual’s behaviour or speech evokes our fear of being harmed or hurt (or worse) on a personal or community basis, when that behaviour or speech means we feel under attack or it conflicts with our deeply-held values, or when we feel that the compassion we’re showing in such a situation is met with resistance. In other words, being emotionally triggered makes it considerably harder to be compassionate. And yet, the difficulty of feeling compassion can be a call to action.
Resources to call on
Interestingly, the great spiritual, psychological and philosophical traditions all highlight compassion, and broadly speaking, all have the same understanding of what it means, as well as compassion showing up in our everyday lives, work and leadership. There is, therefore, considerable resource to call on when we struggle with compassion (as I notice myself struggling sometimes).
While I can’t claim to have totally mastered the challenge when the chips are down, I’ve found the following to be useful:
Being fully present: This requires a profound ability to ‘be with’ the other person, to aim to truly understand them, but not to identify with them, and certainly not to take on their problems or difficulties as though they were our own. We need to be able to both separate from the other and their situation and be able to be deeply present to them, to empathise and to take appropriate action. The ability to ‘be with’ also means listening deeply, not just physiologically, and can also mean demonstrating that we feel hurt, wounded and vulnerable – showing the emotional impact that we experience.
Respecting ancestry: Part of understanding can usefully involve respect for the family history and life experience of the other. We may not know what that ancestry means for them, or its impact for them, but one thing is for sure: there will have been an impact, and somehow that impact will play out in their everyday life.
Being curious: Rather than blaming or dismissing, being curious can be an enriching way to bridge gaps, to reveal key underlying information, and to create connection without judgement. It can also reveal valuable and previously unseen ways forward.
Exercising tough compassion: It’s important not to confuse compassion with misplaced kindness. Tough compassion involves recognising when there is a need to act in the face of unacceptable behaviour or speech – and this might involve communicating boundaries, or even creating distance. It can be useful here to remember that the Buddhist goal of true compassion is to find ways to promote the least suffering for everyone. Not acting can enable continued harm to be done, even though acting can create discomfort.
Withdrawing: This could be a last resort, necessitated if there’s no recognition by the other of the impact of their speech or behaviour, if they show no willingness to change or if there is no space where true dialogue (the search for a shared connection, and to build a collective perspective) can unfold.
My Lived Experience
This remains a work in progress for me, as I constantly aspire to live a more compassionate life – a process in which I fail, fail again, and keep trying.
Photo by Saulo Meza on Unsplash
[1] ‘Compassionate Leadership: How To Do Hard Things in a Human Way’ by Rasmus Hougaard and Jacqueline Carter, Harvard Business Review Press, 2022
