Help - giving and receiving
A recent article in the Financial Times by Enuma Okoro focused on why it can be hard to ask for help.
Shame and judgment
That article got me thinking – and remembering: remembering moments when clients had articulated a sense of shame in not being able to sort all their challenges out themselves, and indeed moments when I myself had hesitated to trouble another person in my search or request for help.
Okoro comments on embarrassment or shame when we fail to ask for the help we need, as though admitting our distress or pain would reveal a defect in us, and as though that admission would diminish our value. This very point has prompted reflections for me when I’ve worked with a client who believes they ought to be able to sort everything out themselves – all the challenges, all the vulnerabilities, all the needs, all the perceived weaknesses. It applies equally to the clients who are shouldering a multiplicity of burdens and challenges (often both professional and personal at the same time, such as building a start-up or facing the challenge of a restructuring or a takeover, whilst at the same time having caring responsibilities). In all these situations their language and attitudes are characterised by an implicit sense of shame, and by a sense that they are deficient in some way.
The myths
Far from recognising that these kinds of challenges – and many others – are a normal part of everyone’s lives, we seem to have somehow learnt or understood or assume that not only are they unusual, but that other people deal with them with ease or perfection, and that we need to hide them if we aren’t to be judged as lacking worth or substance. This is apparent with leaders who nurture a culture in which vulnerabilities are hidden or secret, or there are attempts to hide them or keep them secret.
I’ve lost count of the number of coaching clients – both men and women – who either relegate their real needs, including love for their families, to a lower priority than the priority they give their work, or they struggle with their self-image when they put their families first. These leaders believe that they’ll be perceived as weak if the truth was known – and their fears, sadly, are well-grounded in some organisational cultures.
Interdependence, community and collective intelligence
Somehow we’ve learnt to equate ‘alone’ or ‘separate’ or even ‘isolated’ with ‘strong’ and ‘resilient’. In reality, precisely the opposite is true. ‘Alone’ and ‘coping alone’ are brittle ways to be. As human beings we are interdependent. We live, function and operate – knowingly or unknowingly – within systems composed of interdependent elements. As one element moves or changes, so do all the others. When one element is vulnerable, that vulnerability will impact all the others, no matter how seemingly distant.
Equally, when one element is helped, resourced and strengthened by another, that too will be felt in some way by other elements. Collaboration is a more strengthening process than separateness. Collective intelligence is always superior to the intelligence of one individual, and calling on the collective intelligence of the group or the system will release more wisdom, expertise and richness of perspectives than is to be found in any single element.
At its simplest, the community can be thought of as a group that shares a narrative which builds their identity – a team, for example. At its most effective, its members are committed to supporting, helping and collaborating with each other, without blaming or judging each other for needing that help. It is immensely more robust than a group of people whose behaviours are fundamentally fragmented and who see themselves and others as ‘separate’.
This applies too to a system (such as an organisation or even a country) composed of communities: seeing other communities as not deserving of our help, our cooperation and our collaboration weakens the whole system.
We need to recognise and value vulnerability and a need for help in our communities, and to both accept help and offer help if we are to nurture cohesiveness and health.
Photo by Getty Images for Unsplash
