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In leavings, contributions need to be acknowledged

Leavings and endings can be difficult for both the leaver and the left: the sense of loss can range from sad to intolerable. As systemic constellations specialist John Whittington writes , the primary emotions that arise from losing a sense of belonging need to be attended to, just as much as organisations need to acknowledge the contributions made by those who have left. Without such acknowledgments, new beginnings may stutter, and the occupiers of new roles may not be able to fully occupy the authority of those roles, to the extent that they may leave or be somehow ejected. Endings (and the associated feelings) that aren’t resolved or aren’t fully integrated into a system somehow ‘hang about’ and leave their impact to be felt, sometimes for decades, in the form of burdened roles.

Death is a particularly impactful ending

A particularly impactful ending is represented by death. Being a participant in a recent day-long workshop on the subject of death with Jan Parker struck me in very many ways. Not least of these was – like organisational or professional endings – the realisation that our cultural inclination is to avoid talking about death in any depth or preparing for either the experience of it or the ‘afterwards’ for those left behind. There’s a significant contrast here with how we talk about and anticipate birth and beginnings.

Engaging with something real

Unfamiliar though the experience was – I’ve never discussed death at such length or in such depth – it led to a clarity and a sense of ease for me because somehow a veil was lifted. It offered a space in which to look honestly. It felt like we were engaging with something real, and that brought a sense of illumination and freedom, in parallel with the fact that in some respects it was painful to reflect on the losses in my life – losses of all kinds, not only deaths. Yet the pain wasn’t a reason not to engage with the ideas: in fact, I suspect that it might have been useful to the process of encountering what this was really about.

A topic that is often treated as taboo

At heart, it feels like the greatest value of this workshop lay in the honesty with which we worked with a topic that is often treated as taboo (interestingly, even in writing this for public consumption, I’m aware that not all readers will greet the subject with unequivocal enthusiasm, and that creates some resistance in me to the very process of writing it: oh the burden of taboos!). That transparent approach opened the door to reminding me once again of the value of accepting ‘what is’, and being alert to what may be emerging: experiencing it as a state of being rather than thinking or doing.

How do I want my ending or leaving to be?

Unlike most organisational leavings or endings, the precise moment of death can’t be anticipated. And if one can anticipate such a leaving or ending, I’m reflecting that any sense of loss, rupture or pain that might come with it can be addressed in advance by a degree of good planning: how do I want my leaving to be, what do I want to feel, what might I inevitably feel, what kind of experience and experiences do I want to look back on, what do I want to leave others around me with, what needs acknowledging, who needs thanking, what possibilities do I want to allow for, how might I resource myself best for ‘what next?’. What will I actually be losing? Equally, what might I be grasping on to or attached to, just because it’s habitual, what might I be assuming at the moment of change? What might be the possibilities that ‘what’s lost’ makes room for: what does the fertility of the present enable? What have I unintentionally signed up to? Where might compassion have a place?

Loss or ending might be a fertile space

I’m reflecting now on how loss or ending might actually be, above all, a fertile space – the Gestalt notion of the Fertile Void. Where might fire lilies – which, rising from the ashes, flower after wildfires in dry summer seasons in South Africa – bloom? I’m about to lose an area of work that has been immensely meaningful to me. While it feels like the right time, I will nevertheless feel significant and painful loss. That workshop on death is helping me prepare for the experience of the loss, as well as for an alertness to the fire lilies that will inevitably bloom.

Good endings allow for good beginnings.

^{Photo by: Mantas Hesthaven via}^Unsplash

Endings and leavings

The primary emotions that arise from losing a sense of belonging need to be attended to, just as much as organisations need to acknowledge the contributions made by those who have left. Endings (and the associated feelings) that aren’t resolved or aren’t fully integrated into a system somehow ‘hang about’ and leave their impact to be felt, sometimes for decades, in the form of burdened roles. A particularly impactful ending is represented by death. There’s value in accepting ‘what is’, and being alert to what may be emerging: experiencing it as a state of being rather than thinking or doing. Loss or ending might actually be, above all, a fertile space – the Gestalt notion of the Fertile Void. Good endings allow for good beginnings.

Are you being heard?

Voice matters because it is a channel for the self-expression that people need in order to feel acknowledged and seen, and – more broadly – because it can have a significant impact for a team or organisation when judgment, uncertainty, ideas and innovation, collaboration, communication and coordination are in the mix. An absence of voice may mean compliance or obedience, but it isn’t territory for sustainable engagement - and sustainable engagement is essential for the flexibility and adaptability that characterises resilient, robust, flourishing teams and organisations. What enables voice is psychological safety: believing that you won’t be punished or humiliated for speaking up with ideas, questions, concerns or mistakes. That belief means the leader, in the first instance, consistently modelling behaviours that authentically welcome inclusiveness and diversity (including diversity of thought), that mean that help is offered and requested freely, that engage without judgment in taking risks and failing, and that make open conversations the norm – all this without fear of judgment, penalty or exclusion.

The illusion of solutions

Family therapist Barry Mason characterises solutions as ‘only dilemmas that are less of a dilemma than the dilemma one had’. There’s no such thing as right or wrong in the coaching encounter: no predetermined answers, no pre-set course, but rather flow and emergence, and the noticing of these. And here’s where certainty and uncertainty arise, mirroring the working environment - and particularly the leader’s environment. Thinking in terms of certainty may mean that the leader doesn’t see all the tripwires, since not everything is either certain or predictable. In my experience of coaching leaders, the capacity to allow, and allow for, uncertainty – frustrating as that may be – also allows for versatility, responsiveness to the situation as it is, rather than as one wants it or assumes it to be, and creativity. Which in turn allows for a more agile response.

Coaching through COVID and Beyond

Are you an NHS/care sector worker struggling to manage stress, get your mojo back or work out next steps? If so, we can help! Coaching through Covid and Beyond offers FREE confidential independent support to key workers who wouldn't normally have access to high-quality coaching. Maybe you just want a one-off chat, or you'd like to sign up to a programme of up to six sessions - whatever works best for you. You can get in touch via our website www.coachingthroughcovid.org or email us at info@coachingthroughcovid.org and we can take it from there.

Award for Coaching through COVID and Beyond

Pro bono coaching programme Coaching through COVID and Beyond (of which I'm a co-founder and a member of the core team) has won the Coaching at Work magazine award of External Coaching Champion (Organisation). The depth of our psychological safety in the core team has meant that we’ve been able to have difficult conversations in a spirit of openness and honesty, we’ve been ready to take risks in a context of uncertainty, we’ve been agile and responsive and happy to experiment in a spirit of ‘test and learn’, and we’ve welcomed diversity of all kinds. Living diversity means that we’ve constantly called on our collective intelligence - and so we've been able to achieve innovative success in several important ways.

Trauma

Trauma is a living expression of a life-changing experience that often can’t be expressed in words but is a fundamental – and literally visceral – part of an individual’s identity. The range of manifestations is endless, including addictions, anxieties, physical pain, illness, problems with sleep, problems with relationships, and repeating patterns of behaviour which are counter-productive but which the individual doesn’t seem able to change. Despite appearances, the most apparently well-balanced, cheerful and obliging colleague may be hiding pain and distress which can get triggered and thus result in unexpectedly negative behaviour. The need for compassion and self-compassion, patience and acceptance, curiosity and tolerance is significant. What do you notice at work – about yourself and others?

Belonging, identity and confidence in uncertainty

You might recognise a situation where an organisation’s strategy is unclear, poorly-defined, poorly communicated or in constant flux. In this context, the role and place of any individual in the organisation (and especially a new recruit) can be unclear. The criteria by which his or her performance is evaluated are also likely to be unclear or in flux, or even more unsettling, implicitly in flux. As a result his or her confidence, their sense of identity, and sometimes even confidence in their survival, take a knock. None of this is good news for performance or growth or development. Leaders can therefore begin to turn things round by being curious about what they could be more aware of, by enquiring into their reports’ experience, and by listening.

Fear and courage

Fear and courage are intertwined when it comes to leadership of self and others. Fear is inevitable and - if unchecked - inhibits and erodes performance, versatility and the creativity that can be crucial to address the challenge, complexity and uncertainty that are constants in the life of leaders. Courage isn’t inevitable, but it’s an invaluable resource when fear is present. Learn, experiment again with a small change in courage, keep learning, and keep experimenting.

The impact of kindness and compassion

The news emerged that Dame Clare Marx, Chair of the General Medical Council, was stepping down from her post, having been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. She reflects on her career that ‘in my happiest moments, I felt respected, valued and listened to. I felt I belonged’. Her wish is that ‘every doctor and every patient experiences the compassion that defines first-class care’. It’s the humanity between colleagues and by leaders that can evoke either distress or joy, isolation or feeling part of something bigger. How would it be if all of us, as leaders, spent just a couple of minutes each day being aware and conscious of compassion, kindness and listening? Awareness is the crucial starting point for change.

Power and the leader

One of the most striking features of power is, it seems to me, how multi-faceted the topic is – and how richly the facets interrelate and intersect and interdepend. There are many and varied implications for the exercise of leadership, and leaders can benefit from reflecting on these. For instance, a variety of perspectives are afforded by looking at ‘my’ power, ‘your’ power, ‘our’ power, and the power in and of the system. Further, within each of these comes the contrast between personal power, the power afforded by title or status, and the nuances of the perception of power that arise in the presence or absence of fear or shame. power can be ‘power over’ or ‘power with’ – and the latter implies more sustainability through relationship and connection. Power, courage and compassion can go hand in hand.

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