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A compassionate approach to self-criticism

I recently had the privilege of attending a workshop facilitated by renowned compassion specialist Paul Gilbert, Professor of Clinical Psychology at the University of Derby. His focus for this event was ‘A compassionate approach to the forms and function of self-criticism’ – a fascinating insight into how bringing compassion can alleviate the critical judgment of ourselves that limits our self-belief and our performance.

Professor Gilbert comments that ‘scientific study has found the core of compassion to be courage’ and that ‘a standard definition of compassion is, “a sensitivity to suffering in self and others with a commitment to try to alleviate and prevent it” ……The courage to be compassionate lies in the willingness to see into the nature and causes of suffering – be that in ourselves, in others and the human condition. The challenge is to acquire the wisdom we need to address the causes of suffering in ourselves and others.’

Compassion: a hard business issue

Professor Gilbert makes a link between compassion, somatics (how the effects of compassion show up in the body) and neuroscience – i.e. how the brain works. Far from being a soft issue, this scientific perspective is directly relevant to how organisations can boost their effectiveness.

Self-criticism

Self-criticism is no respecter of seniority or role: it is to be found at all levels of an organisation, and its impact can manifest as stress, lack of engagement, lack of motivation, overwork, lack of assertiveness, lack of authority – and indeed a whole host of other negative responses and behaviours.

Compassion, however, can do much to restore trust, confidence and a sense of safety in the individual and in the system, and hence to boost effectiveness: when we feel safe we’re more prepared to take initiative and risk, to be creative and to take responsibility. When we feel unsafe we’re more likely to close down, take fewer risks or innovate.

Presence and acceptance

It seems to me that compassion is partly about the capacity to be present with another person, setting aside judgments, biases, assumptions and fears. It also means avoiding thoughts that tempt us into thinking we know what’s best for that other person – in other words, bringing awareness and acceptance.

Organisational life

Compassion may be a concept that is far distant from what has come to be normal life in many organisations. How many managers and leaders bring a compassionate approach to themselves and to others – an acceptance of people as they are, with all their flaws and problems, and a preparedness to address suffering and the causes of suffering? Yet acceptance doesn’t mean not wanting improvement or change. Far from it: all successful change starts with awareness of what is.

Mindfulness

It’s just a very small step from here to mindfulness – as Jon Kabat-Zinn defines it, awareness that arises through paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment, non-judgmentally. As Professor Gilbert comments, working with a focus on compassion is about paying attention to paying attention. In parallel, mindfulness allows us to maintain focus on our intentions and not allow ourselves to be distracted.

Commercial organisations from Google onwards have embraced mindfulness as part of their culture, and mindfulness practitioners know that kindness and compassion towards their own experience means that they become more compassionate to themselves and to others. In the process, their frustration and impatience diminish, and their creativity and equanimity grow. The energy that might have been spent on negative emotions and criticism of self and others is instead channelled to more productive work and healthier relationships.

What can leaders do?

In my experience of working with leaders with heavy work agendas, especially where the stakes are high, those who even begin a journey down the path of mindfulness and compassion gain benefits they never dreamed of – and so do those around them. Leaders can begin by raising their awareness of the impact of their attitudes on their teams (do they notice how people respond to them? Are they aware of the challenges people have in fulfilling their roles – and the effect of what might be going on for them outside work? Do they wonder about what it takes for the individual to deliver on their role? How often do they actually smile at team members?). To what extent might they carelessly or unintentionally be causing suffering? Some honest reflection can serve the leader well here.

What can reports do?

And reports can benefit from becoming more aware of what they’re expecting of themselves, the assumptions they’re making, the messages they’re giving themselves about their value – and how they might do more to be kinder to themselves. Indeed what might they do to contribute more powerfully to a business culture that consistently considers how individuals might carelessly or unintentionally be causing suffering?

Photo by Rod Waddington via Compfight

Compassion: a business issue

Paul Gilbert, Professor of Clinical Psychology at the University of Derby, defines compassion as "a sensitivity to suffering in self and others with a commitment to try to alleviate and prevent it" – and he notes that the core of compassion is courage. Far from being a soft issue, his scientific perspective is directly relevant to how organisations can boost their effectiveness. Compassion can do much to restore trust, confidence and a sense of safety in the individual and in the system – and it’s partly about both presence and acceptance, with a close link to mindfulness. Leaders and their reports can take practical steps to boosting both their self-compassion and their compassion towards others.

Our pale blue dot - compassion and my latest article in 'Coaching at Work'

My article on 'Our pale blue dot' was published in Coaching at Work, March/April 2018 edition. Carl Sagan coined the concept of the ‘pale blue dot’, which for me summarises both our insignificance and the importance of our taking care of our world. His perspective has made me think about my role as coach: I can’t separate my coaching delivery from the impact on my world view of our political leaders and their behaviour, especially when they behave badly.

Building resilience in a tougher world

We all - and particularly leaders - seem to be experiencing more and more pressure in our modern world. The need to build and maintain resilience seems more pressing than ever. By ‘resilience’ I mean not so much the ability to simply cope, but more the capacity to consistently adapt to changing circumstances, to learn from adversity, and to manage intense emotions and uncomfortable thinking in oneself and others. We need to learn to flex in our responses to adversity.

'Just being': my article in Coaching at Work

Transactional coaching objectives are irrelevant to some of my clients. 'Doing’ keeps them out of trouble but offers no fulfilment or satisfaction, whereas - ironically - 'being' and objective-free coaching offers them the time and space that are essential for them to profoundly engage with their coaching objectives

Honesty, wellbeing and mental health

Mental ill-health in organisations may be a taboo subject and may carry a stigma. Sufferers may suffer in silence until their condition worsens to the point of crisis. When crisis does strike, in addition to individuals’ difficulties, the organisational upheaval and cost can be significant, as can the damage to working relationships. However, in an open culture people are more likely to feel engaged and to give of their best, and evidence shows that business results are much better than in cultures where the issue is not faced. It is the coach's responsibility to work with whatever shows up - but not to aim to heal or cure.

Under the Influence: my latest article in Coaching at Work

My article 'Under the Influence' has been published in the Nov/Dec 2017 issue of 'Coaching at Work'. When line managers attempt to use coaching as a tool for performance management this is an inappropriate use of both power and responsibility: Tops, Middles, Bottoms and Customers can feel ‘done to’ and impotent in the face of others’ power. I too, as executive coach, need to use my power and responsibility with care.

A sense of belonging

The deepest human need is to belong. A strong sense of belonging and connectedness is positively associated with wellbeing, happiness and mental health. Feelings of belonging are understood to influence an individual’s identity and the extent to which they feel accepted, respected, valued for who they are - and these feelings in turn, by strengthening relationships, impact on engagement, effectiveness and productivity

Dancing with fear: my latest article in Coaching at Work

Several of the senior leaders I work with are frightened. Not only is the fear corrosive at a personal level in terms of wellbeing, stress, confidence and shame, but it also inhibits performance and can have serious effects for organisations when individuals are afraid to innovate despite a business need to do things differently, or when they don't dare to say what's true. Coaching systemically and mindfully resources both the client and me - and the more I engage at a deep level with my own courage, resilience, capability, connectedness and resources, the less frightening life may be for the client.

Confidence, effectiveness and systems

Confidence that is depleted – which often results from an individual interpreting an external event or behaviour, and believing (albeit unconsciously) the message that they construct from it – leads very easily to effectiveness that is depleted. Looking outwards from the individual into their environment and the systems of relationships they are part of is often a more elegant and rapid process, offering more sustained and richer outcomes for rebuilding and re-resourcing, than cognitive approaches.

In the swim of things: my latest article in Coaching at Work

Some of my coaching clients have difficulty staying upright in the stream of their organisational cultures, especially when they aren't aligned with the values or behaviours in those cultures: their difficulty lies in being different, even though that may be exactly why they were recruited in the first place. This can cause significant stress.

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